i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
