Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize