took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
