i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
