Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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