The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
