I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i out mim tonsoeep
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