You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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