I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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