I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We're too hungover to prance.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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