im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
