ya dads aren't the best wingmen
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
