Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
