i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He passed out mid-signature
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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