when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
