Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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