I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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