Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize