He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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