Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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