true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize