i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
