Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
