Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
