By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize