According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
