I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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