I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
