I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
tell me about the eggs
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
