You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
