yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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