Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
