He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
