I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
