just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
