i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we're making bets on your personal life
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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