oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
