I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
