I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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