Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
