what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
