If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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