Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
