Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize