Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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