you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
