I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
