After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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