wakey wakey hands off snakey
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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