I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
