it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
