Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Operation Purity has been aborted
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
