I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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