Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
