Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
