My friends, they love my intelligence
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
