In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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