I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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