I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
